A ton of guests are coming to our destination wedding. But we only want a few at the ceremony.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit your questions here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Prudence,

My fiance and I are American, but we live in a country outside of the United States and plan to do so for the foreseeable future. We have just got engaged and are planning to get married in our current country of residence. Most of our family will easily be able to pay to come to the wedding, and we’ve found ways to save everyone money. Almost everyone we know is really excited to visit our country. I am really excited for them to visit, but there is one thing that concerns me.

For many years my fiance and I have wanted to have a very, very small wedding ceremony on a Friday and have the reception on a Saturday. We always wanted the wedding to be very intimate, with maybe ten people on each side. I still want to do this, but I feel really uncomfortable having so many family members here and not being able to see us getting married. We have almost 100 family members between the two of us who fly, not to mention our close friends and their families. We want it all to happen in one weekend, not multiple events across multiple continents and multiple weekends. Because we both have such a big family, it’s hard to sit down with them all and understand what they are thinking; Also, our two families aren’t very confrontational, so even if they were upset about it, they wouldn’t say anything. Do you have any advice on what we should do?

– Stunned fiancé

Dear stunned fiance,

Have you already sent out the invitations or saved the dates? If you did, and they said the word “wedding” and people are traveling overseas to attend, you should have a real wedding, not just a party, for their entertainment. If you are still finalizing the details and have not yet officially invited people, make it clear that they are invited to attend a reception celebrating your wedding and let them decide if they want to make the trip. . This way, you don’t have to worry about offending people who are spending a lot of money to get to the event to find out that they weren’t selected for the part where you take your vows. Many of your guests will probably agree with that – after all, the reception is the fun part – but it pays to be clear and honest. You don’t want anyone to feel cheated, and good communication will allow you to enjoy a wedding weekend that is exactly what you want it to be.

Dear Prudence,

I moved when my eight-year marriage fell apart just before COVID. We tried to make it work for a while, but I have now effectively been “single and married” for over a year (since our divorce will be finalized in the spring for irrelevant administrative reasons). I’m also excited to be dating again, but bring with me limited skills and previous experience (as I’ve only ever dated friends, never had a casual relationship, and all of this before the arrival of the first iPhone).

Despite these challenges, I just returned from a fantastic multi-day hot-weather getaway with my first serious match on Tinder. This was only our third date, and surprisingly, we spent about half the time in the bedroom, and none of the time discussing what the two of us were looking for. While I have shared about as much of my past as she has hers, I have also committed a lie of omission by referring to my wife only as “my ex” and not mentioning marriage or divorce. Friends tell me that this is normal and accepted behavior these days, but it is not pleasant and I do not want to mislead this lovely woman. Granted, I’m also a little worried about jeopardizing what “this” is (and could potentially become) by awkwardly sharing too much at the wrong time.

Essentially, I’m totally lost in (and amazed by) this brave new world, and looking for some navigation advice: how much have I ever messed up, if at all? How can I best proactively share my status, assuming this is still the norm? And I do this? In case it matters: we’re both in our 30s and unlike me, she’s not new to Tinder.

– Dating while (technically) still married

Dear Meeting,

You have to tell him. Now. If it’s so normal and okay to date when you’re separated but not divorced, why are you hiding it? Why wouldn’t she be okay with that? You can’t both say it’s harmless and hide it. Choose a path! Combine the news that you are still technically married with a sincere apology for hiding the truth, an explanation that you realize this was a serious mistake, and a promise to answer any questions about your exact condition. marriage and your divorce schedule – with supporting documents, on request. Because you gave him a reason not to trust you.

Dear Prudence,

My niece is trans and she decides to have an operation to assert her gender; I would like to give him advice without offending him. I am a family doctor who has treated trans women in the past, and I have a few patients who have had vaginoplasty and have had complications. It is easy for me to give advice to my patients – I am their doctor, it is my role, etc. – but as a cisgender aunt, I don’t want to overstep my limits. I kindly told her that I knew patients who had post-operative complications, but she accused me of being transphobic and not respecting her journey. Normally I don’t like to give unwanted advice, but one of my patients has such a hard time after the operation that I can’t help but worry. No advice? I have spoken with my sister about my concerns, but she is not comfortable having this discussion with her.

– Aunt worried

Dear worried aunt,

Well you’ve offered to help, and that’s all you can do. I think you can take comfort in the idea that the surgeon performing the surgery probably has even more expertise than you when it comes to the pros and cons of the various techniques and the potential complications. Your niece is almost certainly in the care of a professional team, and she knows you’re available if she needs a second opinion. So wish him the best and step back for the moment.

Catch up on this week’s Prudie.

More advice on how to do it

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost four years now. Just recently we had a conversation where he confessed that he “doesn’t feel in love with me anymore”. I was absolutely devastated, but we talked a little more and both said we wanted to stay together because we love each other. However, I feel like I am the problem in this relationship. I am very inexperienced in the bedroom compared to him and it made us have a very “vanilla” sex life. He says he’s attracted to me, but I think my lack of “wild and sexy” caused our relationship to lose the “lust factor” which put a strain on us. He travels for work, so we only see each other every two months for maybe a week at a time. Please help me find a way to be more open and wild in bed so that maybe I can boost our sex life.

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