Dear Annie: B-list wedding guest wonders if it’s worth it

Dear Annie: My good friend “Sara” has a son who is getting married in early August. I’ve been in constant communication with Sara, offering help and telling her I’d love to be at the wedding. I’ve known Sara since high school and we’re close.

I was told in May that it would be a small wedding with just the family. It will also be a destination wedding, and apparently there was no room for extra people, including me. I had no problem with that.

I got a call today from Sara saying they have a lot of “no” RSVPs and are now on their “B” list and I’m now invited. Our other high school girlfriends have already banded together and share an Airbnb. (I was the last called.) I was not included and will need a hotel room on my own.

I am hurt. I was the first to be informed of the wedding and I did not insist on being invited, understanding the constraints of a wedding, since I experienced this with my son.

I have never met Sara’s son and I have very little contact with her husband. Should I go there? The flight would cost $1,000 and the hotel would cost $250 a night – not to mention the cost of a gift, rental car, etc. I only received a telephone invitation. What are the other B-list guests doing? — Left over

Dear Left Behind: I can certainly understand feeling left out, but remember this isn’t Sara’s wedding. It’s the wedding of her son, whom you’ve never met. It’s entirely possible that he has some sort of relationship with Sara’s other girlfriends who were invited before you.

You should only go there if you want to go. Would you have fun celebrating the couple, or would you feel left out and resentful all the time? Can you afford it, or would you be stressed out about the cost? Once you answer these questions, you will know which decision is best.

Dear Annie: I have been married to a wonderful man for over 32 years. Our life together has been filled with love and laughter, but due to my infertility issues, we have no children. I was unable to carry a baby to term the only time I got pregnant (after over 15 years of trying), and after that terrible miscarriage we were both worried if I tried again it might kill me , so we chose stop. I have accepted this over the years, even though it has been very difficult.

For the past decade, my in-laws have pretty much ignored my husband and I to go “play with the grandkids” and other family members who all have kids. My husband gets calls from his mother usually monthly, but she hasn’t called me in over six years. She was once a woman I was extremely close to, like my second mother, but I felt the distance grow wider and wider as this favoritism deepened.

How can I either eliminate him permanently from my life, or repair this rupture? I can’t stand this stalemate any longer. – Heartbroken in Oregon

Dear Heartbroken: I am truly sorry for the loss of you and your husband and the difficulty you have experienced with infertility.

Someone who was once close enough to be like your “second mother” and is still close to your husband is surely at least worth trying to make peace with. Have you tried to contact her over the years? Is it possible she didn’t know everything you and your husband went through? Start by making contact and suggesting lunch or coffee for the two of you.

Ultimately, you can only control how you choose to move forward. Family is obviously very important to you and your in-laws. I’d say it’s definitely a relationship worth at least trying to fix.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].


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